I made so many wrong desicions. But who didn't? I mean, everyone is just a human being, and making mistakens is part of our learning process, hopefully one day we could learn and make better decisions. However, in this very point, I really am afraid of taking the wrong decision. I am trying to figure out what's best for me and for everybody. But I do realize that every choice came with its risks. The question is not only what I want and what the best for me, but am I ready to take any of that risks.
My close friends know since I was 16, I wanted everyone to percieve me as mature person. I always claimed that I was mature. Some of them said that I don't need to be 17 to be mature, because it's not about how old I was. However I never really understood, I knew there were some important aspects except the age, but I didn't know what were those?
Here, in my 21 years old, I finally can have a brief explaination about what being mature is. I don't know what Allah's plan when Allah made me have such difficult time in this very age. I mean, I finally feel something I never felt before and do several things I didn't have courage to do.
When I was a little girl, most of the time, I knew what I wanted. Like when I wanted a set of doll and doctors' stuff, I was sure that it's what I wanted. I never forced my parents to bought me those (even though they finally figured out and bought me ones), at least I knew what I wanted. But now, when people ask me what I want and what my plan is, I will say I dont know at best and I will get confused at worst.
Being mature means you will not only consider your own feeling, but also others'. In some areas, you may know what's right, because you are mature enough to figure that out (like based on experiences or what people tell you). But in other areas, it's jsut so blur. You might want to put your feeling first, but a small section in your heart tells you otherwise. It might tell you how bad everything could be to others and you don't want that happen, because you will regret (even if you know you might be happy in the future) hurting people's feeling. You might struggle with your heart and have second thought, but believe me, it's a process. Process of your betterment.
When I was a teenager, I believe I have to consider my feeling over people's. I had a perfect picture of happy life in my head. I wanted to do what I thought was right for me. But I didn't really consider wheter or not it was good for my future. I asked Allah some things, but I didn't really think what the reason behind my demand. I wanted this.. this.. and this, period. I didn't really ask Allah to show whether or not they were the best for me. I always thought that I had a perfect plan for myself.
Now I know that I AM NOT THAT GOOD in planning things. Oh my God, now Allah really is teaching me this. Allah gives me now what I wanted and what I want. And now, everything becomes so unclear, like my mind is covered by a cloud. My feeling, everyone's feeling, all of them cloud my judgement.
When you are adult, you have more things to consider. Like you will not only say that I think it is good, but you will say that it is good and it will be good instead. You will have broader consideration. You might take longer time to decide, because you think about many things.
What I am saying is, being older doesn't necessarrily make you mature. All the problems you face also will not necessarily make you mature. It is you choice. Making decisions is difficult, because you are mature, you consider more things, remember? If you want to use all of the hard time you have, you learn from it, then you are closer to be mature.
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